Well, I guess I need to make a comment about the last post. I am really embarrassed that I made that post. It was made at a real low time where I was overwhelmingly feeling weak and helpless. It is a mission of mine to have strength and courage as I battle this cancer but there are times where the realities of this disease get to me.
At work and around others I always try to show strength, courage, and a positive attitude. I want people to think of me as a really hard worker and a nice guy. One who can carry his own weight and then some extra. Not one who needs help but the one who gives.
I guess in a way, I always want to be like the kid back on the play ground in elementary school who gets picked early to be on someones team or is call out on Red Rover. You know what I am talking about; somebody who makes a group better because they are a part of it. A person who lifts others up instead of weighing them down. That is the root of my current problems. I feel like I can not carry my weight. I mentally understand that I have cancer and I can do only so much, but in my heart I feel like a failure. Emotionally I am really down.
This cancer has placed a financial strain on my family, has kept me from visiting my grandmother much who is gravely ill in the ICU at the hospital, affected the quality of teacher I know I am, robbed some of the innocence of my children at an early age, and has strained all of the limits of my wife and I where sometimes tears are all that remains.
Emma Lee has been such a rock for me. I am at awe with Em's strength during these times but behind her continuous love and support I know she has to be so tired.
This is the hardest part of the cancer on me. It has not really been the nights on the bathroom floor, the terrific pain I have endured, or the exhaustion that limits my physical and mental capabilities. It is seemly endless nature of our struggles and challenges over the last several months.
As much as I try to always hide my real feelings and worries in the presence of others the other night when I made that last post I guess it was a window into my real worries:
and really worn out.
I have recently had some good news on the progress of my treatments. One of the two remaining tumors that I have in my chest showed no activity on my last PET Scan. The other tumors activity was much reduced. Because of this, and my low white blood cell count, I am stopping chemotherapy because the doctors believe that the chemo has done all that it can do. I am going to proceed with radiation treatment in a couple weeks after my white blood cell count has an opportunity to recover a little bit. Then in mid July, I will have another PET San to see how I am doing. My oncologist was pleased with my response to the last rounds of chemotherapy and believe this is the best course of action.
I am so glad that I had my treatments in Portland. My oncologist works in an office that was rated as the best cancer center in Portland by Portland Monthly Magazine. This list is developed from the doctors in Portland and their patients. There are also two other oncologists in the office that specialize in my type of cancer and they all consult with one and another as they decide the best course of treatment.
Now the most important part of this blog is to say thank you to all of you that have helped so much. The last few weeks have been really tough and I have not really been able to stay up with the blog like I would have liked to. For those of you that have had me and my family in their prayers I want to tell you that I have felt your prayers and do believe that god is an amazing healer and has helped me recover so much. For those who have been able to give financial gifts to my family I am so appreciative. I am not sure how I would made it to some of my treatments if it was not for the gifts that helped pay for gas and occasional lodging when necessary.
So in closing,
Friends, thank you so much!